Some reasons why I thought the new Sherlock show was a bit rubbish

Sherlock Holmes is an insufferable arse. Like a real dick, who’d you’d say, under your breath, and when’s he’s not looking, ‘wow, what a massive twat’, if you met him in real life. I get that it’s his character (well, it’s Matt Smith’s Doctor Who character, but never mind) but he’s an atrociously arrogant prat to the point of parody and constant fourth wall shattering unbelievability. The worst part is that everybody secretly admires him and is quick to sing his praises once his back is turned. He’s ‘eccentric’ or ‘dedicated’ or ‘freakish’, but no one ever says he’s an asshole. 

His talent for deduction is less of a talent and more of a super power. I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned up on the next sessions of Heroes (is that show still on?). If someone crosses him, he’ll tear them down with such deadly efficiency, lyrical prowess and pinpoint deductive accuracy that he almost needs a catchphrase to seal the deal, and finish off his bewildered foe. Might I suggest something quite benign but catchy like ‘you’ve just been Sherlock’d’, or perhaps the more caustic “lock and load motherfucker.” 

There’s one bit where, honest to god, he pits his fingers on his temples, scrunches up his eyes and the camera zooms into his head to show a map of London. Buy a GPS mate, it’ll save the headaches.  

The modernisation is rammed down your throat. Watson has a blog for christ’s sake?! Sherlock Holmes loves him some texting! When Holmes is asked why he couldn’t get signal on his mobile, I half expected him to say ‘it’s an iPhone 4’. I’d have gone ape shit. I did like the fact the smoking ban is to blame for his lack of trademark pipe, but didn’t like the incongruous bit of political commentary.

The show isn’t as smart as it thinks it is. I hate that overused cliche of a dig, and I don’t really know what it means, but it feels suitable in this instance, so boo. Despite the generally sharp wit, considered writing and lightning pace, some of the plot points are laughably generic and amateur. Sharing a channel with extremely good detective dramas, like Waking the Dead and Silent Witness doesn’t help.  

It doesn’t really take a 19th century fictional detective, reanimated as an autistic prat in contemporary London to deduce that a fingernail scrawled ‘Rache’ isn’t the German word for revenge, but simply ‘Rachel’ without the trailing consonant. Now if Watson, upon hearing Holmes expert deduction, had said “no shit Sherlock” , I think I’d have fallen in love with the stodgy chimp like face of Martin Freeman and screamed at my telly, but this massive misfire makes me consider withdrawing my licence fee.  

And another thing - guessing passwords based on information learned earlier in the show? 2000 called, it wants its plot points back. My password is an absurd collection of letters and numbers that means nothing. Its not my pets name or my favourite film and its definitely not written in my office. This might have worked in WarGames, when the threat of password guessing was slightly overshadowed by mutually assured destruction and Matthew Broderick’s smug face, but it’s 2010, there’s quite a pervasive savvy that says passwords shouldn’t be idiotically easy to crack.  

In conclusion, Sherlock was alright but, much like Doctor Who, I really don’t get what you nutters are so in love with. Did you like it? That’s nice for you.