70 - I wanna move you, around

The Playstation Move has evolved from reactionary E3 tech demo to fully fledged upcoming product, complete with games, a logo and *shudder* lifestyle photos.

To call the Move a Wii Remote knock-off would be the greatest understatement since I called Hitler “a bit of a jerk”. In fact, the side-by-side image of the Wandy Bit and the Analogue Sticky Bit is so eerily reminiscent of the first Wii Remote pics that I could have sworn someone Photoshopped the Wii controller black and stuck a ridiculous blue sphere on the top.

Ok, so here’s my stance on motion controls. They don’t work very well, I’ve found. The Conduit? More like The Condushit, and I’m not just talking about the fact that the game sucks from top to bottom. I mean the controls kind of stink. They’re ok, but I’d rather just stick with a dual analogue stick, thanks. It’s just too jittery, too imprecise and too tiring on the old arms.

I quite like the whole aiming at the screen malarkey, but its just not a big enough improvement on the dual analogue stick control scheme to get me excited. Resident Evil 4 works well; I’ll admit. But this is a game where you literally stop moving and turn the game into an impromptu light gun game every time you shoot. So unless every game does precisely that, we lose.

Overlord: Dark Legend was also quite cool, as the six people who bought it will adhere to, because being able to point at a location in like a 3D world was pretty insane.

But like, waggling? Doing crazy motions with the Wii Remote? Get out of here, nerd. I don’t reckon we endured 30 odd years of enhancement, improvement and iteration on the button to suddenly switch tracks and wave our arms about like a god damn semaphore flag waver.

Every time I fail a QTE because the Wii Remote doesn’t recognise my gesture, or I lose health because a waggle was interpreted as a grenade throw instead of a melee attack, I die a little. If this is where the games industry is going, I might as well quit now.

In the words of the blonde woman from the Matrix, just before she gets unplugged and dies, “Not like this… not like this”.

P.S. All the Playstation Move games look like utter shit.